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Tonight was one of those difficult nights. I did one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had to tell someone who I care very deeply for that I need time to get over them and be okay with just being their friend. I suppose I deluded myself a bit. I wrote them a "love letter". They needed cheering up, and I wrote it, and they liked it a lot. So i told them that i meant it, because i did. I was hoping that would be enough to inspire acceptance/rejection, but that didn't happen. It took me seeing a parade of photos of boys that they're into, and reading/hearing about boys they've dated and/or been hurt by to come to the conclusion that there isn't a place in their life for me. At least not like that. It hurts, but it's better to know now than later.

I've gotten nibbles on my proverbial flirting fishing line. A couple of emails back and forth from interesting girls, but then it fades off into nothing.

Out of the blue, i get 2 emails from 2 diff people (males) from GP, telling me they just want to fuck. That kind of crass, immature behavior is the reason that i can't stand personal ads. However, I need them. I need ads to try and find that person who's out there waiting for me. I know that I'm so different that I'll need a "different" person to be with, and unfortunately, we're few and far between.

I "spoke" once or twice with a nice guy. It's rare for me to get along with a guy so well that i'd consider dating him. This guy was different, he had a sense of humour and we had random things in common, like a love for halloween as "dress up" time (you understand, if you know me). But he's in Oklahoma City, so there's no chance of anything more than pen pals. I suppose that's for the best, because the last thing I need right now is to have to re-examine my sexuality and cram myself into another tiny, labelled box.

Precalculus was alright, tonight, but I have a headache. We have a lot of homework and I'm nervous about it. When i look at the numbers, sometimes they make sense, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they get all crossed up in my head, and i can't figure out how many x's need be squared, or how many things can be factored out. It's confusing, and I don't like it. I should be able to follow it, it's a simple equation "road map", but i seem to get all turned around and i can't keep it all straight. Hopefully I can find a way to deal with this before we get into the hard stuff.

Anyway, i just felt like writing.... sometimes it helps to just let it all out of my head. There's more running around in there, but i don't think i can write it. It gets all convoluted and makes no sense.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my last, crabby post. I'm not looking forward to getting older, it makes me feel less useful. Sometimes it makes me crabby. That, coupled with the fact that i've been off the charts for depression this week, make for a very grumpy lj update. Sorry bout that.

(no subject)

Date: 2004-02-02 10:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] insolent-angel.livejournal.com
Glad to hear you sounding a little happier. I totally understand about the personals thing...but I met this wonderful girl and so can you - I just know it! I'm speaking from my heart here Jenn when I say you truly are a remarkable person. You always seem to be able to pick yourself up and find the strength to move on. I hope things work out for you hon and I'm always here if you wanna chat or something.

As for the precalculus...when I was studying I always found that burning rosemary essential oil in a burner used to help me focus. It's great for enhancing your concentration and has such a refreshing smell. You'll crack it hon you're such a brain.

i'm sorry...

Date: 2004-02-03 05:28 pm (UTC)

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femmasaurusrex

July 2009

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