Jan. 5th, 2004

chitty chat

Jan. 5th, 2004 07:13 pm
femmasaurusrex: Photograph of a woman with long curly hair wearing glasses and a bulky sweater (Default)
Had a long chat with Ryan tonight. I offered him a ride home from work, then we ended up talking in my car for an hour and a bit. I'm all bent out of shape about school. I'm scared. I'm scared that it will be overwhelming and everything will fall apart again. This IS my second chance, if i screw it up, there won't be any more. I'm too old to be picking up my life and deciding to just "take a break and go to college". I can't screw up anymore.

I'm worried about money. Right now i haven't got any, and it looks like a bunch of financial issues are headed my way. First court, then contacts, then car repairs. Oh, and let's not forget about tuition.

Then there's the separation... I'll be thrown into a world where i don't know anyone, and there's a very real possibility that everyone with a big ego will come stomping all over me. I can admit that i'm fragile. Yeah, I'm shy. No, nobody ever believes me when i say that, because all they ever see is the club act. Apparently that person isn't ever allowed to be scared, shy, or lacking confidence. Heh, imagine that.

I'm nervous about my life. I'm constantly failing when i try, so i usually just don't bother. Don't get me wrong, i've had some great times in Philly, but most of it's been crap. I can tolerate being alone, but being lonely is something else entirely. I've done well, i think. But i've had some stability here. I won't have that soon.

Why the hell am i waxing introspective? I don't really know. I don't really know why anybody on this crazy lj site would care about me being scared. It's not like i'm living in a war-torn country, or starving on the streets. The only thing at stake here is my sanity, and there's not much that anybody else can do about that. But it's sort of humbling to admit that there's a person inside this flamboyant, socialite shell that's constantly on display. Everybody needs a reality check once in a while. I might as well be the one the check myself.

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femmasaurusrex

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