Feb. 2nd, 2004

Pity Party

Feb. 2nd, 2004 03:39 pm
femmasaurusrex: Photograph of a woman with long curly hair wearing glasses and a bulky sweater (stare)
I was going to avoid lj altogether, just to see if anyone would notice I wasn't around. I don't really want to be making this update, either, but here i am. This depression is insane, and i can't stand it.

I fought with my father because he COMPLETELY misunderstood me and was cruel as a result. Then my mother called me and burst into tears again because she's stressed out, then my sister called me piss drunk from the strip club, telling me she was going to do a set and hope she didn't fall off the stage. After that, a friend online started badgering me about getting back into music, not comprehending that THAT is the one thing that tears me apart every day, and i can't stand to be around.

My birthday is soon, and i wish it would just hurry up and get over with. School is ridiculous, i've spent over $500 on books, and now i've just spent $90 for the illustrious privelege of parking on campus. There are NO job openings, I'm stressed out of my mind, I hate my family, they all hate me, and i've yet to meet anyone worth talking to on campus. Now all i have to ask myself is what the hell posessed me to attempt going back to college. I could've developed a suitably isolating pot habit, become an alcoholic, and been a malcontent in a shitty office job. At least then I'd have enough money to survive and the occasional shitty straight sex to keep me from losing my mind. Cuz lord knows there's not a girl out there who would date me, and all because of how fat i am.

I'm sick and tired of life, it's revolting to me, and everyone in it can go to hell for their closed-minded attitudes and ridiculous obsession with the societal norm of "pretty".

There now. Aren't you all glad I updated? I'm sure.
femmasaurusrex: Photograph of a woman with long curly hair wearing glasses and a bulky sweater (Default)
Tonight was one of those difficult nights. I did one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had to tell someone who I care very deeply for that I need time to get over them and be okay with just being their friend. I suppose I deluded myself a bit. I wrote them a "love letter". They needed cheering up, and I wrote it, and they liked it a lot. So i told them that i meant it, because i did. I was hoping that would be enough to inspire acceptance/rejection, but that didn't happen. It took me seeing a parade of photos of boys that they're into, and reading/hearing about boys they've dated and/or been hurt by to come to the conclusion that there isn't a place in their life for me. At least not like that. It hurts, but it's better to know now than later.

I've gotten nibbles on my proverbial flirting fishing line. A couple of emails back and forth from interesting girls, but then it fades off into nothing.

Out of the blue, i get 2 emails from 2 diff people (males) from GP, telling me they just want to fuck. That kind of crass, immature behavior is the reason that i can't stand personal ads. However, I need them. I need ads to try and find that person who's out there waiting for me. I know that I'm so different that I'll need a "different" person to be with, and unfortunately, we're few and far between.

I "spoke" once or twice with a nice guy. It's rare for me to get along with a guy so well that i'd consider dating him. This guy was different, he had a sense of humour and we had random things in common, like a love for halloween as "dress up" time (you understand, if you know me). But he's in Oklahoma City, so there's no chance of anything more than pen pals. I suppose that's for the best, because the last thing I need right now is to have to re-examine my sexuality and cram myself into another tiny, labelled box.

Precalculus was alright, tonight, but I have a headache. We have a lot of homework and I'm nervous about it. When i look at the numbers, sometimes they make sense, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they get all crossed up in my head, and i can't figure out how many x's need be squared, or how many things can be factored out. It's confusing, and I don't like it. I should be able to follow it, it's a simple equation "road map", but i seem to get all turned around and i can't keep it all straight. Hopefully I can find a way to deal with this before we get into the hard stuff.

Anyway, i just felt like writing.... sometimes it helps to just let it all out of my head. There's more running around in there, but i don't think i can write it. It gets all convoluted and makes no sense.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my last, crabby post. I'm not looking forward to getting older, it makes me feel less useful. Sometimes it makes me crabby. That, coupled with the fact that i've been off the charts for depression this week, make for a very grumpy lj update. Sorry bout that.

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