more random-ness

Alrighty then. It was another ice-slick on the roads this morning. I had to get a ride with my mom... BLah I hate that. I can't WAIT to get a better car. However, there are problems with that. After tearing apart the house and going through every scrap of paper and posession that I own, I have determined that the title to my car has grown legs and run away from its happy home. That irritates me to no end.

On a lighter note, I've been invited out for coffee tonight. However, that may not happen. My new friend, Nina, had asked me to join her and a friend for coffee. Unfortunately, her friend may have to do "consoling duty" for one of his friends tonight. I understand what that's like, although I really did want to get out of the house and have coffee with intelligent adults. I can't really bitch though, since I was the one in need of a consoler last night. You know who you are, thank you so much.

For the first time in a very long time I fell asleep on the phone with Shawna. It was such a comforting feeling. That's one of the things that I miss the most. She always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better.

So let's hope my day gets better, because so far this year is SUCKING ROYALLY!!!! :)

letdown number 563 million of my life :P

As usual, something has come up and I have no plans. Granted, i haven't a clue what that is, since I haven't gotten a chance to talk to Nina about it, but oh well. She had said her friend might have to take care of his friend, I understand that, but I haven't heard from her since 5:30. I'm assuming it's far too late for coffee, so I'm thinking I should just go to bed.

It's just really depressing, because I so wanted to go away from here and hang out with people. Now I'm back to having no life. I think it's mainly that I hate getting all excited about maybe having friends, then something goes wrong and I'm crushed. Then it takes twice as much for me to trust them and look forward to plans again. And if those plans fall through, well, forget it then. To me, it starts to look like I'm not important enough for anyone. i'm a good "backup" in case nobody else will come.

Hi, welcome to my neuroses. Self-esteem is what I should've asked for in my stocking this year.

*sigh* I wish I could get my stupid brain figured out. I'm either really happy or really sad. It's been suggested that I am Manic/Depressive. This thought terrifies me. I do not want to have to take drugs to make my brain "normal".
No, I don't like being depressed, but I don't always notice, either. usually when I get really bad I'll just quietly go into my room and sit there staring. I don't know I'm doing it until later, since while it's happening all I can think of is emptiness, despair, and how numb I feel. it's an abyss that I tumble into. Sometimes I can drag myself out of it, but I'll just end up falling back later.
I like being happy. Sometimes I'm really happy and crazy and hyper, and I make everyone laugh and they all like me. Nothing makes me sad then, because it's hard to take life seriously. I don't sleep much when I'm happy. There's always so much to do. I call everyone I know and catch up with them. When people ditch me, I just go out on my own and don't care what anyone thinks. I'll make my OWN fun, thank you very much. I don't usually stay happy for very long, though. Something always happens to make me want to be alone again.

I wrote all of this down because I want to know if I'm really abnormal, or if everyone does this. I've always thought it was normal, ups and downs, everyone has them. I'm starting to wonder if it's not at all normal. I wanted to put it all into words so that I can see the way I behave.

Let's hope it helps somehow.